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    User:Grim kim/history of japan

    Japan-icon.png Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's beautiful. In the year -1,000,000,000, Japan-icon.png Japan might not have been here. In the year -40,000, it was here and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of trees because it's warmer, so now there's people on the island and they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like stones and bowls. "Ding dong." It's the outside world, and they have technology from the future, like really good metal and crazy rice farms! Now, you can make a lot of rice really, really quickly. That means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survive, so that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, and here, but this one was the most most important, ruled by a "heavenly superperson," or emperor for short. Knock knock, get the door, it's religion. The new prince wants everyone to try Buddhism-icon.png this hot new religion from Baekje-icon.png Baekje. "Please try this religion," he said. "No!" said everybody. "Try it," he said. "No," said everybody again, quieter this time. And so, the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. Then, the government was taken over by another clique and they made some reforms, like making the government govern more and making the government more like Tang-icon.png China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi, Tang-icon.png China," they said. "Hi, dipshit," said Tang-icon.png China. "Can you call us something else other than dipshit?" said Japan. "Like what?" said Tang-icon.png China. "How about sunrise land?" said Japan. And they stole Tang-icon.png China's alphabet and wrote a book about themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then, they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while: right Kyoto-icon.png here, and they conquered the north, finally. Get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern Buddhism-icon.png Buddhism, visits Tang-icon.png China, and learns a better version which is more spiritual, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be great for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country. So, if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? Hire a samurai. Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So, they made their own military government here. They let the emperor still be "emperor," but the shogun is actually in control. Breaking News: Mongol Empire-icon.png The Mongols have invaded China. "We've invaded China," said Mongol Empire-icon.png the Mongols. "Please respect us or else we might invade you as well."
    "Okay," said Japan, so Mongol Empire-icon.png the Mongols came over ready for war and died in a tornado, but they tried again and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then died in a tornado. Then, the emperor overthrows the shogunate. Then, the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto-icon.png Kyoto, and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants; that's fine. Now there's more art, like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for "Who’s going to be the next shogun?" Usually, it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says, "Okay," but then, the shogun has a kid, so now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care. He was off somewhere doing poetry, and the whole country broke to pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and it's anybody's game. "Knock knock." It's Europe. No, they're not here to take over, they just wanna sell some shit, like clocks, and guns, and Jesus, so that's cool, but everyone's still fighting each other for control, now with guns! And wouldn't it be nice to control Kyoto-icon.png the capital, which, right now, is puppets with no one controlling them? This clan is ready to make a run for it, but first, they have to trample Oda-icon.png this smaller clan, which is in the way. Surprise! Oda-icon.png The smaller clan wins, and the leader of Oda-icon.png that clan steals the idea of invading Kyoto-icon.png the capital and invades Kyoto-icon.png the capital, and it goes very well. He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, and then someone else who works for him kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then, he confiscated everybody's swords and made some rules. "And now, I'm going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China," he said, and failed, and also died, but before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five-year-old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said, "Yeah, right. It's not gonna be this kid. It's gonna be one of us 'cause we're grownups," and it's probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins and starts a new government right here: Tokyo-icon.png Edo! And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things, but don't get confused: Tokyo-icon.png this is the new government, and they are very strict. So strict, they closed the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in, except for Dutch Republic-icon.png the Dutch if they wanna buy some shit, but they have to do it right Dejima-icon.png here. Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch-icon.png Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from Dutch Republic-icon.png the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow dow—
    "Knock, knock. It's USA-icon.png the United States with huge boats with guns (gunboats). Open the country. Stop having it be closed," said USA-icon.png the United States. There's really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets USA-icon.png the United States, British Empire-icon.png Britain, and Russia-icon.png Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Choshu and Satsuma hated this. "That sucks!" they said. "This sucks!" And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate, and somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Tokyo-icon.png Edo, which they renamed "Eastern capital." They made a new government, which was a lot more Western, they made a new constitution that was pretty Western, and a military that was... pretty Western. Do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff.
    "So, what can we conquer? Joseon-icon.png Korea!"
    They conquer Joseon-icon.png Korea, taking it from its previous owner, Qing-icon.png China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia-icon.png Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "Stop, no, you can't take that. We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water," and Russia-icon.png Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit-ton of soldiers. And then when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuck-ton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan says, "Can you maybe chill?" And Russia-icon.png Russia says, "How about maybe you chill?" Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan is kinda scared of Russia-icon.png Russia. You'll never guess who's also kind of scared of Russia-icon.png Russia: British Empire-icon.png Great Britain! So Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan and British Empire-icon.png Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be "a little less scared of Russia-icon.png Russia." Feeling confident, Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan goes to war against Russia-icon.png Russia, just for a moment, and then, they both get tired and stop. It's time for World War I! Earth-icon.png The world is about to have a war because it's the 1900s and weapons are getting crazy and British Empire-icon.pngGerman Empire-icon.pngFrance-icon.pngRussia-icon.pngAustria-Hungary-icon.png all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants more, and the next thing on their list is Qingdao-icon.png this part of China and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to German Empire-icon.png Germany, which just had war declared on by British Empire-icon.png Britain because British Empire-icon.png Britain was friends with Belgium-icon.png Belgium, which was being trespassed by German Empire-icon.png Germany in order to get to France-icon.png France to kick France-icon.png France's ass because France-icon.png France was friends with Russia-icon.png Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria-Hungary-icon.png Austria's ass because Austria-Hungary-icon.png Austria was getting ready to kick Kingdom of Serbia-icon.png Serbia's ass because someone from Kingdom of Serbia-icon.png Serbia shot the leader of Austria-Hungary-icon.png Austria's ass. (Or, actually, he shot him in the head.) And British Empire-icon.png Britain is currently friends with Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan, so you know what that means. Duh! Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan should take the islands, which is what they wanted to do anyway, so they called British Empire-icon.png Britain on the "tele" to sort of let them know, and then they did it, and they also helped British Empire-icon.png Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff.
    *ring*
    Now, the war is over, and congratulations, Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan! You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from German Empire-icon.png Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance League of Nations-icon.png the League of Nations, whose mission statement is to try not to take over Earth-icon.png the world. The Great Depression is bad, and Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan's economy is now crappy, but the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria, and League of Nations-icon.png the League of Nations is like, "No, don’t do that. If you're in League of Nations-icon.png the League of Nations, you're not supposed to take over Earth-icon.png the world!" And Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan said, "How 'bout I do anyway?" And Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan invaded more and more and more and more and more of Taiwan-icon.png China and was planning to invade the entire east.
    "You've got mail!"
    It's from Nazi-icon.png Germany, the new leader of Nazi-icon.png Germany. He has a cool mustache and is trying to take over Earth-icon.png the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Fascist Italy-icon.png Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. It's time for World War II! Nazi-icon.png Germany is invading Denmark-icon.pngPoland-icon.pngCzechia-icon.pngAustria-icon.pngLuxembourg-icon.pngBelgium-icon.pngNetherlands-icon.png the neighbors. Then, they invade France-icon.png the neighbors' neighbors. Then, UK-icon.png the neighbors' neighbors' neighbors, who happen to be UK-icon.png Britain, said, "Holy shit!" And USA-icon.png the United States started helping UK-icon.png Britain because they're good friends and started not helping Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan because Nazi-icon.png their friends and UK-icon.png our friends are not friends. Plus, they're planning on invading the entire ocean. USA-icon.png The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever™. Just in case. But they still haven't joined the war. War looks bad on TV, and USA-icon.png the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then, Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan spits on them in Hawaii-icon.png Hawaii, and challenges them to war, and they say, "Yes," and then Nazi-icon.png Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on USA-icon.png the United States also, so USA-icon.png the United States goes to war in Europe, and they help USA-icon.pngUK-icon.pngFrance-icon.pngSoviet-icon.png the gang chase Nazi-icon.png Germany back into Nazi-icon.png Germany, and they also start chasing Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan back into Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan, and they haven't used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on Japanese-Empire-icon.png Japan. They actually drop two. USA-icon.png The United States installed a new government inspired by USA-icon.png the United States government with just the right ingredients for a post-war economic miracle, and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can and also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. And then, the miracle wears off. But everything's still pretty cool, I guess. Bye!

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